The Director Sector

Some incredible things are happening in the world lately.

In Texas, the state Congress introduced a bill that would effectively outlaw the vast majority of theatrical lighting designers.  The bill would have required licensing and permits that, quite frankly, most theatrical lighting designers don’t have the time, money or experience to get.  So what’s to be done?

Protest, of course.  Thanks to the incredible, tireless efforts of @travisbedard and @jimonlight, as well as hundreds of others from Texas and even the rest of the country, over the last 48 hours, the bill is now in the Senate having its language modified.  I don’t think anyone truly blames the legislature for this oversight, because that’s what it was — an oversight.

But that’s another good reason why we, as Americans and citizens and workers, need to keep an eye on our government.  If nobody had paid attention, theatre in Texas would have been shut down for months while the legislature tried to sort out the problems.  Fortunately, this problem has been (or will shortly be) resolved.

Impressed? I sure as hell am.  Hats off to @travisbedard and @jimonlight and thanks to everyone else who defend the rights of theatre people across the country.

Added bonus: I don’t have to pay health insurance premiums until November! Score!

What if the key to achieving your dreams wasn’t just within your grasp, but within your grasp RIGHT NOW, for a possibly (but unknown) limited time?

What would you give up, who would you let down, what rules would you break to achieve that dream?

SCENE 7

ROLF
I found out later, mister, that you can’t kill the devil.  Did ya know that?  He ain’t dead or nothin’.  He’s just gone.  The bag lady down the street says the devil can lie six ways to Sunday, but if he makes ya a promise, he can’t break it.  He just can’t.  Them people at the church, Brother John or whate’er the hell his name was… he said that the devil was a fallen angel, ya know?  An angel.  That bastard was an angel?  Screw that.

So here I’m at.  On the fuckin’ sidewalk.  Mindin’ my own goddamn business.  And people walkin’ by, pissin’ on me, cussin’ at me, throwin’ popcorn at me like i’m some sorta goddamn monkey.  I had it all, mister.  I had it all in my hands and I blew it.  Gone.  Jus’ gone.

(beat.  ROLF looks around, discouraged)

I dunno what to do.  Dunno where to go.   I just don’t know.  I just don’t…

(Lights dim — not a blackout, but dimmer than normal.  ROLF sits on the floor, back to the upstage wall.  He mutters incomprehensibly and sobs.  After a few awkward moments, he looks around furtively, then notices the audience again.  He crawls forward and the lights come up just a little bit.)

Hey, hey, you. Got a dollar? s’all I’m askin for. Just a lousy, stinkin’ dollar. That’s all I’m askin for. What’s that? You don’t got a dollar?

(beat)

Okay, a quarter. Got a quarter? I just need a quarter. A lousy, stinkin’…

I’m just sittin’ here, doin’ my best to survive. Tryin’ to make it through this hellhole you call life. I call it shit. Complete, utter shit. You hear me? You don’t hear me. Of course you don’t. I’m just a bum.

(beat)

Hey.. you.  You look familiar…

(blackout)

SCENE 6

(ROLF runs onstage, nose bleeding and flattens himself up against the upstage wall.  He stays there, as if waiting for something or someone.  After several moments, it is clear that there is no pursuit.  ROLF walks downstage and faces the audience, specifically to the “mister” he spoke to in earlier scenes.)

ROLF
Hey, hey you.  Yeah, you.  I need a place to sleep.  I ain’t messin’ with ya, mister, I just.. I been chased by this here devil and..

What? You think I’m lyin’?  There’s a goddamn devil chasin’ me, mister!  He’s trying to take.. I dunno, my soul or somethin’.  Tryin’ take my soul.  I can’t let him do that.  I can’t let ‘im take it away from me.

(Beat.)

Need to find… find Trisha.  Maybe she can, she can help.  I need to find.. have you seen my wife?  Have you seen her?  She’s bout this tall, blonde hair.. You ain’t seen her?  How about you?  You seen her?

(ROLF asks two or three members of the audience.  ROLF can improvise responses, but ultimately, he resigns himself to her loss.)

Shit.  Shit shit shit shit shit.  (ROLF paces.)  Shit.  She’s gone.  She’s gone.  Nicky, Lucy… they’re gone, too.  Oh man, oh man, what have I done?  What have I done?  TRISHA!  TRISHA!  NICKY!  LUCY!  TRISHA!

(ROLF runs upstage, looks off-stage in all directions.  Failing to see her, he falls to his knees, distraught.  He sobs for a long moment.  DEVIL enters.)

DEVIL
Ah, there you are.  (ROLF looks up at him.)  You can’t hide from me, Rolf.  I’ve got a claim on your soul, and that means you’re mine.

ROLF
What have you done, ya bastard?  What have you done?  Where’s my wife?  Where’s my kids at?

DEVIL
(mockingly)  Where’s your wife? Where’s your kids at?

ROLF
SHUT THE HELL UP AND TELL ME!

DEVIL
Why, your wife is right here.  (DEVIL points to the side.  ROLF jumps up and scans that direction.  He doesn’t see her.)

ROLF
I don’t see her.  What kind of… What kind of game is this?  Where in tarnation is she at?

DEVIL
Oops, my mistake.  She’s over there.  (DEVIL points behind ROLF.  Sure enough, there is GIRL.)

GIRL
What do you want, Mephisto?

DEVIL
His soul, my dear.  But I can’t get that just yet.

(ROLF is speechless.  TRISHA is dressed in all red, completely different attitude from before.  She’s got a Jersey accent.  She’s smacking gum loudly the whole time and fluffing her hair.)

GIRL
What’s that got ta do wi’ me?  I was out there minding my own business, ya know, and you call me in here?

DEVIL
Look at the poor guy.  If you don’t say something to him, his eyes are liable to pop out of his head, and wouldn’t that be a shame?  I want his soul, not his eyes.  Besides, my dear, you’re his trophy wife.  Better act like one.

GIRL
I ain’t gonna be his trophy wife!  That guy ain’t got any money now, why should I care?

ROLF
Trisha…!  What’s going on?  Come home, baby, come home!  I love you!

GIRL
Ugh! Gross!

ROLF
Don’t you love me?  What we had together? It was worth.. it was worth the world… I gave everything up for you..

GIRL
You shoulda kept it, mister.  Go to hell.  He’ll help you.  I’m gone.

(ROLF cries out in anguish, but she’s gone.)

DEVIL
Oh dear.  I think I’ve shed a tear.  (DEVIL raises a finger to his eyes.)  Ah, nope. False alarm.  Sorry.

ROLF
You fucker! You mother fucker!

DEVIL
What? What’s that?  (DEVIL cocks his hand to his ear, listening intently.  Awkward pause.)  Wait for it.  Wait for it.  Right. About.  Now.

(explosion offstage)

ROLF
What the hell? What was that? What?

(DEVIL walks to the edge of the stage, looks offstage, grimaces.)

DEVIL
That’s a shame.  That’s… too bad.

ROLF
What? What?! Tell me, god dammit!

DEVIL
See for yourself.

(ROLF walks offstage.  DEVIL stays centerstage, cleaning his fingernails or some other glaringly guilty behavior.  A scream of anguish comes from offstage.  ROLF yells “Trisha!” or “Nicky!” or “Lucy!” or “Oh my god!” or something equally, you know, horrifying.  Obviously, the explosion resulted in their deaths.  DEVIL whistles innocently.  ROLF runs onstage, screaming a battle cry, and tackles DEVIL)

ROLF
YOU MOTHERFUCKER! YOU KILLED ‘EM! YOU KILLED ‘EM ALL!

DEVIL (grunting through the effort of wrestling ROLF)
I did no such thing!  I merely took back what was mine to begin with.

ROLF
They weren’t yours!

DEVIL
Don’t you get it?  They were always mine.  I gave them to you, Rolf!  Don’t you remember?

ROLF
Fuck you.  Fuck you.  I’m gonna kill you.  I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!

(They wrestle.  Insert complicated fight choreography here.  Eventually, the DEVIL and ROLF wind up centerstage.  They start sinking into quicksand (trap door, some other mechanism).  They continue fighting until DEVIL realizes what’s going on. He releases ROLF who scrambles to safety.  DEVIL drowns in quicksand.  ROLF crawls upstage, leans against wall and sobs.)

(blackout)

SCENE 5 - The street

(ROLF is centerstage, still in the ragged clothes.  He looks relieved, refreshed.  He’s free from DEVIL’s obligations.)

ROLF

You know, what I’ve realized?  I don’t need any of that crap.  The house was too big, the clothes too nice.  The servants were always underfoot.  No, no, this is better.  This is freedom.

(GIRL enters.  She’s furious.)

ROLF
Honey…

GIRL
Don’t “honey” me, you bastard.  What the hell did you do?

ROLF
Honey, I can explain–

GIRL
How could you?  How could you throw away everything?

ROLF
But we don’t need all that.  It’s just noise, it’s extraneous, it’s–

GIRL
I need it, Rolf.  I need it!

(ROLF approaches her, to comfort her.  She avoids his affections.)

ROLF
Hey, hey, we can live on love, cause love is worth much more than–

(GIRL, disgusted, leaves.  ROLF calls out after her.)

ROLF
Do you love me?  Do you? Or are you just.. you know.. digging for gold? Huh?  Are you?

(DEVIL appears.)

DEVIL
Of course I am.  That’s what I do, you know.

ROLF
You!

DEVIL
Me.

ROLF
Go away.  Just get the hell out of here and leave me alone.

DEVIL
You see, Rolf, once you sign this contract, you can never be free of me.  You’re mine, for all eternity.

ROLF
Eternity? What do you mean?

DEVIL
See for yourself.

(DEVIL hands ROLF the Contract.  ROLF scans it quickly.  He looks up at DEVIL, then reads it again more carefully.)

ROLF
“I, Rolf, hereby referred to as the CLIENT, do hereby sign over my soul to Mephistopholes, hereby known as OWNER, for all eternity…”

What? I didn’t sign this.

DEVIL
Yes you did.

ROLF
No, no way.

DEVIL
Keep reading.

ROLF
“Upon signing this Contract,  the CLIENT may receive items and services from the OWNER.  Acceptance of these items constitute acceptance of the following:  upon death, the soul of the CLIENT transfers to the possession of the OWNER.  Once items are accepted by the CLIENT, there can be no return.  The deal may not be broken, except by the consent or death of the OWNER.  If said items are rejected, payment by CLIENT is due to OWNER within 24 hours.”

DEVIL
You see, my friend, you have no choice.  You are mine.

ROLF
Never.

DEVIL
Always.  You have no choice.

(ROLF rips the document.  The DEVIL laughs and pulls out another Contract from his jacket pocket.)

Nice try.  You see, Rolf.  I like souls.  I like your soul.  It’s got a certain charm to it.  You see, I like a hard-earned soul.  I like it when they fight back.  So by fighting back, Rolf, you’re giving me what I want.  Entertainment.

ROLF
That’s all I am to you? Some game?

DEVIL
Of course not.  You’re so much more than that to me.  But eternity is such a long time, and this contest I’ve got going, well.. Let’s just say I’m not going to lose it.

ROLF
I’m just another notch on your belt, then.  Just another.. conquest.

DEVIL
You make it sound so… horrible.

ROLF
Well it is horrible!

DEVIL
No!

ROLF
Yes!

DEVIL
Say it ain’t so!

ROLF
It is!

DEVIL
Well, too bad.  I’m the Devil, after all.  It’s supposed to be horrible, aren’t I?  Nevertheless, since you’ve rejected the things I’ve given you, then I suppose my payment is due.

ROLF
Your payment?

DEVIL
Your soul, of course.  I want it.  Now.

ROLF
What’s that mean?

DEVIL
Well, I can’t have your soul until you die, so… my friend Thanatos should be here any moment to… well, you know how it works.

ROLF
How what works?

DEVIL
What?

ROLF
Who’s Thanatos and what is he gonna to do?

DEVIL
Well he takes this… it’s really easy, really, he just takes… Well, he’s got this scythe, and he waves it around somehow, and..

ROLF
Death? Thanatos is Death?

DEVIL
Well, if you want to be crude…

ROLF
Death? You’re going to have me killed cause I don’t want to play your little game?  You’re gonna KILL me?

DEVIL
When you put it like that…

(beat.)

Yes.

ROLF
ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!
You think you can just waltz in, screw with someone’s head, and take their soul?

DEVIL
That is what I do, after all.

ROLF
Well I’m ain’t gonna like it.

(DEVIL raises his hand, ROLF falls too his knees uncontrollably.  He’s in pain.)

DEVIL
You’re mine, whether you like it or not.  You see, Rolf, life is nothing but a game.  You’re just a pawn on my chessboard.  You’re not even important.  I’ve got dozens more just like you waiting right now, and hundreds more already behind me.  Thousands.  You’re mine, Rolf.  You can’t lose.  You can’t run.  You can’t hide.  And most importantly, you can’t resist.

You’ve sold your soul, Rolf, to a very, very greedy buyer.

ROLF
What.. what are you going to do with me?

DEVIL
Why, I’m going to kill you myself.  Your soul is worthless to me while you live, especially since you’ve rejected my gifts.  (beat)  My, my, my.  Looks like you’re really nervous.  You’re sweating like a pig.

ROLF
Shut up.  Just shut up and get it over with.

DEVIL
Now why would I do that? This is highly entertaining to me, Rolf.  I am, after all, the master of evil, and.. well, this is just plain fun.

(DEVIL flicks his wrist and ROLF screams in agony)

ROLF
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP!

(DEVIL winces)

DEVIL
Don’t say that.  (flicks his wrist again.  ROLF screams again)

ROLF
OH MY GOD, STOP!!

DEVIL
I said, don’t say that! (flicks his wrist again)

ROLF
I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU!

DEVIL
No, I’ll kill YOU! (begins to flick his wrist again, but ROLF manages to elbow him in the nuts.  DEVIL howls.  ROLF jumps to his feet and runs).  Come back here! Get back here, I said!

(blackout)

The show, DEVILS DON’T FORGET with the Chicago Mammals, is exceeding all expectations.  Bob and I didn’t expect to be selling out every night, but we are!  It’s incredibly satisfying to know that not only do people take the time out of their busy schedules to come see our show, but that they enjoyed it as well, enough to tell their friends about it!  We’ve had some really vocal crowds lately, and we love it!  It’s just that kind of show.

In other news, my work on the KILL DEVIL HILLS script is going well.  I know it’s not much to look at right now, but I’m writing with the goal of finishing the script before I try and make it completely mind-blowing (here’s to hoping anyway).

The KILL DEVIL HILLS script based on a story that I learned about six years ago while I was working in North Carolina.  I decided to write it after having a brief conversation with Bob about two weeks ago.  He was trying to come up with a name for the city in which his noir tryptich takes place and someone had suggested “Kill Devil Hills”, which is an actual city in North Carolina.   The suggestion sparked the memory inside me about some stories that I learned and told while I worked there.   Essentially, it’s a Faustian deal between a man (I named him Rolf) and the devil.  Hopefully the twist at the end will defy whatever preconceived notions you have.  I suspect, however, that you won’t be too surprised.  I’ll endeavor to fix that in the future.  I do, however, welcome any constructive feedback you may have, whether for KILL DEVIL HILLS, DEVILS DON’T FORGET, or anything else you can think of that may affect me.

Meanwhile, in the day job, I’m spending half my time working for one company and the other half doing freelance work for another.  It’s the second project that has me stressing out.  I’ve been busting my balls trying to get this project into shape, and honestly, it’s a real challenge.  It’s one of the most ambitious projects I’ve ever taken on, if not THE most ambituous, and while I’m making good progress, I’m still second-guessing myself.  Will they hate it? Will they see my demo next week and say “Dude, that’s totally not what we asked for…”?  Who knows?

In fact, I think the same things about the KILL DEVIL HILLS script and every other project I work on, so maybe that’s a good thing.  It keeps me on my toes, it keeps me focused, and it keeps me working towards a goal — not sucking.

That’s a rather low goal to aim for, isn’t it?

It’s all I got for now.  It has to be enough.

SCENE 4 - Somewhere over the Rainbow

ROLF

The first two years of my marriage were amazing. And by amazing, I mean amazing. In every way you can think of, too. Social activities were amazing, the food was amazing, the sex… Holy shit, the sex was amazing. It was so incredible we couldn’t get enough. We did it on the couch, in the closet, in the shower, on the bed, under the bed, by the pool, on the roof, at the park behind the bushes. I was like a hummingbird and Trisha was my nectar. I couldn’t get enough.

Before long, we received good news. She was pregnant.

(GIRL, pregnant, walks by ROLF, kisses him on the cheek and exits.)

Our son was born just before Halloween. We named him Nick, after the man who introduced Trisha to me. There was Old Nick and Little Nick.

(DEVIL walks on stage, holding a baby. He grins evilly.)

Old Nick gave us everything. We made a promise that when Nick came of age, that he would go work for his godfather. It was a good feeling, and it made Old Nick happy.

(DEVIL winks again and walks offstage, baby in arms.)

A year later, my daughter was born. Lucy was so precious, so sweet. Sometimes I felt like my life was perfect with just her in my arms. Nothing else mattered – not the house, the servants, the fine clothes or even my perfect speech. Nothing but my precious, lovely child. And I vowed that I would do anything to protect her.

It was on a night like this that I had an epiphany.

(ROLF sits on the ground.)
Every night since my daughter was born, weather permitting, I would sit on the roof of my mansion and watch the sky. I’d watch the stars and the moon. And I’d dream. I’d dream about the future and about my family. Sometimes my wife would join me. It’s funny, even after all this time we were still like newlyweds.

(GIRL enters, sits next to ROLF)

(to GIRL)

Hey honey.

GIRL

Hey, snuggle-bunny! Whatcha doin’?

ROLF

Same as always.

GIRL

It’s such a pretty night tonight, I thought I’d join you. Lucy and Nicky are asleep, so we have the whole roof to ourselves.

ROLF

Do you love me?

GIRL

What?

(Writer’s Note: For the following sequence, it’s important that the GIRL act silly and flirtatious, as if she thinks ROLF is joking when he asks the following questions. Silly poking and kissing and hold-handing and anything that a love-struck girl might say. She should NOT be offended or upset by these questions! Happy, naive, ignorant, whatever.)
ROLF

Do you love me?

GIRL

What a silly question! Of course I do! Why would you ask such a thing?

ROLF

Would you ever leave me for anyone else?

GIRL

Of course not!

ROLF

Not even for someone with more money than me?

GIRL

(laughs)

Nobody has more money than you, Rolf.

ROLF

What if he had a bigger house?

GIRL

Aw, Rolfy, nobody’s got a bigger house than you!

ROLF

What if he were better looking than me?

GIRL

(laughs again)

You’re so silly, honey!

(beat)

ROLF

I noticed you didn’t deny that one.

(GIRL looking at the stars.)

GIRL

It’s a beautiful night. See those stars over there? Three in a row. Like a belt!

(beat)
ROLF

Yes, I see them. Orion, the hunter from Greek mythology.

GIRL

Yes, that one! Do you know the story?
ROLF

Orion pursued the seven daughters of Atlas in the constellation Pleiades – that’s those stars over there – and chased them across the world. Zeus, the king of the gods, changed them to a constellation so they could never be caught. When Orion was made into a constellation, he was placed on the opposite end of the sky, so that he would never catch them.
GIRL

That’s so neat.
ROLF

Ironic, huh? That he pursued something his entire adult life and never caught it. Even when he was brought to the top of the world, he still didn’t find what he was looking for.

GIRL

How is that ironic?
ROLF

It’s… it just… Nevermind.

(pause)

GIRL

(yawns)

Well, I’m tired. Are you coming to bed anytime soon, Rolf?

ROLF

In a minute.

(GIRL kisses him on the cheek, gets up and leaves. ROLF stays seated, staring at the skies. Several long moments pass.)

Fuck it. I can’t do this anymore.

(He stands and attempts to exit, but the DEVIL enters.)

DEVIL

Hey, hey, hey. Where you going?

ROLF

To find you.

DEVIL

Well, here I am.

ROLF

Yes.

(pause)
DEVIL

Well?

ROLF

I want to talk to you.
DEVIL

Good, I was tired of playing tennis.
ROLF

Quit being a smartass.
DEVIL

Quit being obtuse.
ROLF

You’re such an asshole, Nick.
DEVIL

I know you are but what am I?

ROLF

You know what? Fuck this. I quit. I’m done. I don’t need you, okay? I don’t need your money, I don’t need your house, I don’t need your fancy clothes. You can go to hell, you got that?

DEVIL

(laughing)

How ironic. So you’re just going to walk away from all of this?

ROLF

Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
DEVIL
Do you remember how I found you?
ROLF

That doesn’t matter. I’m a different person now.
DEVIL

Are you really?
ROLF

Yes, I am.
DEVIL

I found you lying on the street, barely coherent. You were begging for quarters from passing strangers. You were covered in your own piss and shit.

ROLF

Someone else pissed on me!
DEVIL
You couldn’t get a job, you couldn’t bathe yourself, you couldn’t even stand up without help. You were total, utter trash. Until I saved you.

ROLF

You didn’t save me.
DEVIL

I saved you, you little ungrateful fuck. Don’t you dare turn your back on me. Turn around. Look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t want this.

(ROLF turns to face DEVIL, but he can’t maintain eye contact. He turns and walks away.)
DEVIL

You might not want me, Rolf, but you need me. You need me.
ROLF

I don’t need anybody. I’ve got Trisha, my kids. I don’t need you anymore.

(DEVIL laughs again evilly.)
DEVIL
You think that girl is gonna stay with you if I leave?

ROLF

Yes, I do.
DEVIL
You’re even dumber than I thought, pal.
ROLF

She loves me.

(DEVIL laughs again.)
ROLF

She does. She fucking does. I can tell.

DEVIL

Oh, you can tell, can you?

ROLF

Screw you.  I don’t need you.

DEVIL

Well how about this, pal. Tell me what this is.

(DEVIL pulls a scroll from inside his jacket. It’s the Contract.)
Do you know what this is, Rolf? Do you remember? You signed this. You signed this contract. You are MINE, do you understand me? Don’t you dare treat me like I did you some favor. You are MINE. MINE.

ROLF

Fuck you.

(ROLF begins taking off his nice clothes. He tosses them at DEVIL. He removes the jacket, the hat, the nice shoes. He drops the cane to the floor. When he’s done, he’s wearing a tattered undershirt and ragged shorts.)

I don’t need any of this. I’m gone.

DEVIL

You’ll be back, Rolf.

(ROLF exits.)
You’ll be back.

(blackout)

SCENE 3 - The mansion

(Lights come up and ROLF is once again alone on the stage. As he begins his monologue, DEVIL and GIRL come out dressed for a wedding. DEVIL will preside, GIRL has wedding dress on. Instead of a Bible, DEVIL carries a copy of “Origin of Species”)

ROLF

I’ve been dreaming of this day for oh so long. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had this image in my mind of the perfect woman. And now here she is, bright as day. Even my wife, rest her soul, had her flaws. She nagged me quite a bit. I can never remember what it was that bugged her so, but.. I still loved her. But this.. this Trisha.. she’s what I’ve been waiting for all my life.

Ever since that man brought Trisha into my life, I just haven’t been able to.. I haven’t been able to shake this feeling that she’s not real. I mean, she’s real, you know? Trust me, she’s real. But I mean.. is she genuine? There are always questions in my mind. I’ve got everything anyone could ask for — millions of dollars, five houses, servants, respect. But how can I be sure she really loves me? There are always questions in the hearts of rich men. Would she make heartfelt promises if the money was not there?

(to GIRL)

Do you love me?

GIRL

(giddy)

Of course! Let’s get married!

DEVIL

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of our dear friends Rolf and Trisha.

(DEVIL thrusts his hands up to display the couple to the world and in the process, knocks over his copy of “Origin of Species”. DEVIL grabs the book and puts it back on the stand. DEVIL thumbs through his book)

Drat, I lost my bookmark. Uh. We are gathered here.. Uh… If anyone opposes.. Uh.. this.. wedding.. thing… Speak now, or shut the hell up.

No? All righty then.

I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss–

(GIRL grabs ROLF’s face and kisses him passionately. ROLF is surprised.)

DEVIL

Huzzah! Let the party begin!

(MAN 1 and MAN 2 enter. MAN 1 begins beat-boxing and MAN 2 hands out party items to ROLF, GIRL and DEVIL. Dancing commences. The cheesier the better. After a minute of awkward dancing, DEVIL claps twice and the MEN disappear.)

DEVIL

I’ll leave the two of you alone now. Congratulations, you love birds!

(DEVIL exits. There is an awkward silence from ROLF. Beat.)

GIRL

Wee! Aren’t you excited, Rolf? This is great! I’ve never been married before! Wanna get busy?

ROLF

Get… busy?

GIRL

You know.. with what newlyweds do on their honeymoons!

ROLF

Honeymoons?

GIRL

Wake up, Rolf! We’re married now! Yippee! Say it with me, Rolf. We’re married! We’re married!

ROLF

We’re married.

GIRL

We’re married!

ROLF

We’re married.

GIRL

Yippee!

ROLF

We’re married!

GIRL

Let’s get busy!

ROLF

All right! Let’s do it!

(GIRL and ROLF take off their shirts and run off-stage.)

The other day I got in a conversation with @travisbedard, @devilvet and @halcyontony, as well as a few others, regarding what should be the goal in an arts organization website.  There are a few things that I, as a professional web designer, think an arts organization should focus on.  As a disclaimer, these are generalities and you need to do whatever works for your theatre.

Let us begin:

First, ask yourself this.  If Joe Schmoe is sitting at home on his computer, why would he go to www.yourtheatre.com, just out of the blue?  Whether he knows you or not, why would he suddenly stop checking out the news sites or playing games and visit your arts organization website?

I’ve asked about a dozen people this question since yesterday afternoon, and this is the answer I got from every one of them:

“To find out show times, dates, and places.”

That’s right.  The primary reason anyone is going to go to your site, is to find out exactly what it is you’re up to, where it is, and what time.  The immediate question after that is “Where can I get tickets?”

There you go. That’s what should be front and center on your arts organization website at all times.  If I have to click to find it? You fail.  If I have to scroll to find it? You fail.  If I don’t immediately see that information, I’m going to be slightly annoyed, and it just very well may be enough to make me decide to go somewhere else.

—–

One of the other things we talked about were blogs, photo galleries, and other “extras”.  These should be secondary and tertiary, depending on your audience.  Your audience will ALWAYS want to know WHEN and WHERE the show is, but they may or may not care about the HOWs or the WHYs.

That’s why these things should be secondary.  They shouldn’t be in-your-face on the front page.  The exception to this is a press photo to spice up the “Current Show” Section.

Let’s focus on blogs for a second.  When I read a blog, I want to read one that I know is written by an individual.  I want to read Bob Fisher’s blog, not “The Mammals” blog.  Why? Because Bob Fisher is alive, The Mammals is not.

In my experience, “organization” blogs tend to be nothing but press releases.  Sometimes they’re disguised as commentary, but what they all boil down to is “COME SEE MY SHOW!”

Read blogs by Don Hall, Adam Dodds, Dennis Frymire, Isaac Butler.  They’re chock full of personality, of opinions, of new ideas.  They’re very rarely, if ever, “COME SEE MY SHOW”.  They’re “This is what I think about (INSERT TOPIC HERE).”  Sometimes that topic has to do with their show, sometimes it has to do with theatre in general, and sometimes it has to do with other things like Battlestar Galactica, movies, music.  That’s infinitely more fascinating to me than a press release.

Someone mentioned yesterday that they enjoy press releases.  Yes, yes, yes.  Press releases are good.  But what’s the first word in the term?  “Press”.  That’s right.  When I want to read a press release, I go somewhere that deals primarily with press releases — newspapers, news aggregators (like broadwayworld.com, etc).  I don’t go to an arts organization for that, unless I have a personal stake in there.

You can certainly have a press release section, but it shouldn’t be front and center.

Tony asked me yesterday if there was room for both [organizational and individual blogs].  On the internet, there is room for everything.  The trick is to not overwhelm new visitors and to not distract from the primary focus (remember what those are? showtimes, dates, tickets!) with other “stuff”.

The same thing goes for photos.  I don’t really care to look at photos from theatres — and that’s coming from a guy who carries a digital SLR camera around with him 24/7 — unless I’m personally involved with the show, I know people involved in the show, or I want more information about the show.

In other words, photos are EXTRAS.  They’re not why I visit a website.  They’re what I want to see AFTER I’ve accomplished my initial objective.

——-

The third thing to do is think of your website as a family tree.  The front page is the head of the family tree.  How many kids does the head of the family have?  Maybe three, four, five?  Not much more than that.  Then each descendant has their own set of kids.

Think of your website that way.  You say you have photos, a blog, an “about us” and press releases?  You might set up your structure this way:

MAIN PAGE (show times, dates, tickets)
- Photos
- Press Releases
- Our Blog
- About Us
- Contact Us

That’s it.  That’s all your front page needs to contain.  The showtimes, dates, tickets, maybe one press photo, and then links to the major categories.

Let’s say I’ve accomplished my main objective.  Now I want to look at photos.  I click on the Photo link in your menu.  Do you show me every single photo at once?  Of course not.  I may not give a flying rats ass about your rehearsal photos for Orestes, but I do find the idea of a graphic novel of Devils Don’t Forget to be an interesting idea.

Show albums or sub-sets.

PHOTOS (description, blurb, list of shows)
- Orestes
- King Lear
- Devil’s Don’t Forget Graphic Novel
- DADA Soiree Press Photos

————–

You may have a lot of content, but you don’t have to let the users get to it from the front page.  That’s information overload.  Only show what’s relevant.  Stagger your content, funnel users through certain paths.  You want to get to the DEVILS DON’T FORGET production photos (as opposed to rehearsal photos) ? Then click on Photos -> Production Photos -> DEVILS DON’T FORGET.

————–

The key that you need to walk away from with this post is that you need to prioritize your content.  Front and center on the home page should be SHOW TIMES, TICKET PRICES, and WHERE TO FIND TICKETS.  Always, front page.  Don’t make me click to find it, don’t make me scroll to find it. Put it right where I can see it, above the fold.

Everything else that is secondary should be linked from the menu.  Top navigation or side navigation? Doesn’t matter.  Pick one (one!) And go with it.  Tertiary information should fall under the secondary pages.

If you want me to check out your arts organization’s website and offer some feedback, I’ll be glad to do so.  Just leave a comment and I’ll give you some advice.

Finally, here are a few sites that I think meet the above criteria and do it very well.  They’re not perfect sites — there’s no such thing — but they do accomplish the above goals very well.  The current shows are clearly visible, links to purchase tickets are right there.  Simple, direct.. They all have tons of content, but it’s not overcrowding the front page — the secondary and tertiary content have been relegated to different pages.

New Leaf Theatre

The Right Brain Project

The House Theatre

The Goodman Theatre

SCENE 2 - Nowhere special

(Lights come up on an empty stage, except for ROLF. He stands center-stage. As the monologue progresses, DEVIL and GIRL dress ROLF in newer, nicer clothes — a new shirt, a new jacket, new pants, new shoes, a cane. When the monologue is done, ROLF looks much like DEVIL. GIRL exits once transformation is complete.)

ROLF

The man on the street gave me everything I ever wanted. I went from tattered rags and cardboard sandals to the finest silk garments. Even my underwear was that fancy silk stuff. I went from starvin’ on them street corners to eatin’ the finest foods in North Carolina. I had shrimp gumbo, fried chicken, double bacon cheeseburgers — that’s double bacon, double cheese, and double burgers — the finest wines and the hardest whiskey. I went from a cardboard box to a mansion on the beach. I had rooms the size of auditoriums, a bathtub the size of a swimming pool. I had servants to attend to my every need. I went from having absolutely nothing, not even dirt to eat, to having anything my mind could ask for. He even fixed the way I speak. I don’t speak like a homeless bum anymore.

And all he asked for was my companionship for life.

Small price to pay, I thought. You see, mister, I felt like my life was over.  I’m crushed to pieces. My wife and kids, you see… well, I gave my soul to them as well as my heart, and when they died, sir… When they died, a part of me died that I’m never getting back. Even this deginerate, who can give me a cheeseburgers in a beach-side paradise,… Even he can’t bring my wife back. She’s never coming back. You know that, sir. You know that.

(DEVIL shrugs helplessly)

So I agreed. I shook his hand and signed that contract. He didn’t ask me to write my name in blood, either.

BOTH

That’s all a bunch of bullshit

ROLF

he says.

DEVIL (to audience as an aside)

Plus, it’s messy.

(DEVIL pulls out handkerchief from jacket and wipes his hands clean.)

ROLF

Thank you for everything, sir. This is just marvelous.

DEVIL

Isn’t it?

ROLF

Oh, absolutely. It’s just…

DEVIL

What?

ROLF

Oh. Nothing. It’s no big deal.

DEVIL

C’mon, Rolf. You can tell me anything.

ROLF

Well,.. I’ve got all this cool stuff, you know?

DEVIL

I know.

ROLF

And, well, I don’t have anyone to share it with.

DEVIL

Ah hah! I begin to see where you’re going with this.

ROLF

And I was thinking maybe…

DEVIL

Think nothing of it, my friend. Think nothing of it at all.

ROLF

Really? You’ll get me a Jack Russel Terrier?

DEVIL

Of cour–what?

ROLF

A Jack Russell Terrier. I had one when I was a kid, but my father accidentally killed it on a hunting trip. And I always kept up a fascination with them and now I guess I want another one. I shall name him… Hamlet. He’ll be small. And crazy, like me.

DEVIL

You could have anything in the world, Rolf, and you want… a dog?

ROLF

Yes, of course.

DEVIL

Not a woman? The woman of your dreams? Long legs, long, beautiful hair, gorgeous eyes, impressive chest, body of a supermodel, the one you call Trisha?

ROLF

Yes! Wait a minute. How did you know that? I ain’t never told nobody bout her.

DEVIL

Sometimes, my friend, I just know things. Things that most people will never know, things that they would never dare tell anyone. Things like your secret fantasy woman and your predisposition towards chocolate. Things like how you’re terrified of midgets and clowns–

ROLF

I am not!

DEVIL

and how you’ve been peeping into the neighbors windows many times, but never been caught.

ROLF

I have not!

DEVIL

Relax, Rolf. It doesn’t matter to me, you see? I’m just making a point. I know things.

ROLF

Well, keep that shit to yourself, then. Sir.

DEVIL

I would like you to meet…

(DEVIL snaps his fingers. ROLF’s dream woman walks out.)

Trisha.

GIRL

Hello, Rolf. Old Nick has told me so much about you.

ROLF

Trisha? But… How… This can’t be.. what’s going on here?

GIRL

Relax, Rolf. I just want you to be happy.

DEVIL

That’s all we really want, you know. For you to be happy.

ROLF

Well, hell, I’m happy!

(blackout)