The Director Sector

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Ask any director you know. There’s always one of those people. You know, one of those people who can’t seem to do anything right. One of those people who can’t seem to focus for one iota of a millisecond. One of those people who have never heard the phrase: “the show must go on.”

But I’ll not harp on the stupidity of these imbeciles, nor shall I belabor the point that they haven’t an ounce of talent to their name, nor shall I beat you over the head with their empty skulls. No, I shan’t.

…

But, if you were to, perhaps, portray one of these unfortunate souls in a play about, oh, I don’t know, bad actors, then I have a guide for you to follow. It is aptly titled “How To Annoy Your Director.”

Here we go!

1. Be late. Be late to every rehearsal. Directors, and everyone else for that matter, are here simply for your convenience. We’re not under a deadline, we’re not under any pressure, and we certainly don’t have anything better to do with our time than wait for you to finish getting that phone number from the girl behind the counter at the local gas station. If you truly want to annoy your director, have an excellent excuse each time.

2. Be lazy. I once performed in a Christmas play at church. I played one of the Apostles. The guy playing our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, showed up to our final dress rehearsal and still didn’t know any of his lines. Our Almighty Director was furious. I’ve never seen anyone so angry or so devoid of hope (except for maybe the time when my costume designer discovered his Armani suit on the floor with footprints all over it — you’d think his parents had just died). So if you truly want to annoy your director, don’t even look at your script.

3. Ignore blocking direction. When the director says “Go over here, face downstage and deliver this line to the audience,” ignore him. Yes, you read that — ignore him. Ignore your director, face across the stage, stare directly into the face of your co-star, and deliver your line to them. Directors almost never have good reasons to block you in certain ways. They probably haven’t even read the play as many times as you have. Yes, let’s annoy the director and ignore the blocking.

4. Be dull. Don’t show any enthusiasm or have any energy whatsoever. Why use up all that valuable energy? You’re going to need it to go out partying all night! Why waste all that energy when there’s no one to appreciate it? That director fellow is just going to tell you how badly you screwed up that scene. The best idea here is to just do the bare minimum needed to get through the scene. After all, that director can see what you’re really capable of on opening night. That is, if you can be bothered to care.

5. Be loud backstage. Never, ever whisper backstage. After all, you’re an actor! The audience came here to see and hear you! Nobody cares about those other actors on stage (besides, to be quite honest, they suck anyway!). Just keep on talking even though you have been reprimanded quite often by the director (who doesn’t appreciate your talent, anyway). Eventually, everyone will realize that you’re the only person that matters.

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If you follow my four-step guide, you will wind up being the most annoying actor in the history of actors! Break a leg!

Stumble It!