Right On Red: A Short Play (4 pages)
Written by The Director
Setting: A car
A: I hate this light.
B: Me too.
A: It has GOT to be the longest light in the world.
B: Yeah.
A: No joke, man. The longest light in the whole damn world.
B: Yeah.
A: I mean, seriously. One time, I pulled up to this light and I think I sat here for ten minutes. No joke.
B: That’s crazy.
A: No joke!
B: Yeah, I got that.
A: I’m serious. Ten minutes. What a waste of time.
B: It’s not like you have anywhere else to be, ya know?
A: Anywhere else to be…. Anywhere else to be! I could be at home, that’s where I could be!
B: I guess.
A: What if there was an emergency? What if I had forgotten to turn the oven off, and as we speak, my house is burning down. What then? I can’t do anything, I’m stuck at this stupid light.
B: That’s rough.
A: Maybe I should call my wife and make sure I turned that oven off.
B: Maybe.
A: I will. (picks up the phone, dials it.) Honey? Is the house on fire? (pause) Oh, okay. Good. No, no reason. Just curious. Love you, bye. (hangs up) (pause) No fire.
B: That’s good.
A: But it could have happened!
B: I’m sure.
A: It could have. It’s seriously plausible.
B: I’m sure it is, man.
A: Maybe we should get show where they bust myths on this. What’s that called? Doesn’t matter. Test out the scenario. Put a guy at a stop light and set his house on fire. See what happens.
B: I love that show, dude.
A: I’m sure they’d confirm it. It’s totally plausible.
B: Yeah.
A: This damn light won’t turn green. There’s not even anyone around for miles.
B: Wonder how it knows when to change.
A: That’s easy. They have these little metal grids that go under the road. When a car stops on top of it, it changes the magnetic field, which tells the lights that it’s time to change. Some lights are timed, though, so maybe this one’s timed. That’s why it’s TAKING IT’S DAMN TIME! HURRY THE HELL UP YOU STUPID LIGHT!
B: Geez, dude, calm down. Maybe it’s got one of those metal doohickeys under it. Back up and stuff, maybe, and see if it changes.
A: Fine, fine, I’ll do that. I’ll back the car up in the opposite direction and see if it changes. Meanwhile, my house is burning down.
B: It’s not burning down, man. You just called and it’s not burning down.
A: It could be burning down! It could be burning down!
B: Just move the car. (turns on the radio)
A: I’m telling you, it could be burning down.
(Radio plays “The Roof Is On Fire” by The Bloodhound Gang. Awkward pause.)
A: Turn that damn thing off. (B shuts off radio) This light will never change. Maybe I should just run the light.
B: You can’t, man. There’s a cop over in that gas station parking lot. He might see you.
A: Damn. (pause) You know, I need to go right anyway. I should just turn right.
B: Why didn’t you do that in the first place?
A: Cause the right turn is like… 20 feet past the light.
B: Is that a turn lane?
A: I dunno, looks kinda like a shoulder to me.
B: At least it’s not a leg.
A: …You’re fired.
B: Well, you can’t turn right at the light, cause there’s no road going right. Maybe it’s okay to go right on red, even if the road is 20 feet up.
A: Maybe. But I don’t wanna get a ticket.
B: But your house is burning down, man.
A: No it’s not. I just called home, remember?
B: But it could be.
A: But it’s not!
B: But it could be!
A: Just shut up already. God. This damn light is gonna make me kill you.
(beat)
B: (softly) The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire…
A: (smacks B) I said, shut up.
(Pause)
A: There! It’s green! FINALLY! WOOHOO!
B: Are we gonna go, or are you just gonna do your cheerleading routine?
A: I’m goin’, I’m goin’!
B: We should ask that cop if we coulda gone right there.
A: But my house is burning down.
B: No it’s not.
A: It could be!
B: Just ask him, dude!
A: Fine, fine. (drives closer to cop) Excuse me, officer! Hey! Officer!
(enter Officer)
OFFICER: Can I help you, sir?
A: Yeah, yeah, I got a question. Sir.
OFFICER: Uh huh.
A: That light over there. Can I turn right on red, even though the turn isn’t for, like, another 20 feet?
OFFICER: Uh, well, that shoulder used to be a turn lane til they changed it. Uh.. I don’t really know.
A: Well, would you give me a ticket if I did that?
OFFICER: Uh, probably not. It’s pretty safe to turn there, I think. Even if I did pull you over, I’d probably just let you off with, uh.. with a warning.
B: Sweet.
A: Okay, just checking. I’ve always wondered.
OFFICER: You have to stop first, uh, before you turn.
A: Always do, officer. Always do.
B: For twenty minutes.
A: At least. (beat) Well, thanks, Officer. I gotta run. My house is burning down.
OFFICER: What?!
A: Uhh.. nothing.
B: Later, officer dude.
OFFICER: Have a good evening. (exit)
A: So you can turn right there.
B: Wish we had known that before. Would’ve saved us some time, dude.
A: Well, now we know.
B: Yeah. now we know.
(A’s phone rings)
A: Hello? (beat) WHAT? I’ll be right there!
B: What, dude? What’s going on?
A: I gotta get home. The roof is on fire!
(Curtain.)
