As sort of a sequel to the How To Annoy Your Director post, I’ve got another little list for you to peruse. Tell me if this hasn’t happened to you!

Every show I’ve ever been to and probably every one I’ll go to in the near future, I can guarantee you someone’s cell phone is going to go off. Instead of being embarrassed and whispering “Sorry!”, they pick up the phone, and loudly exclaim “Yeah?! I’m at a play. I SAID, I’M AT A PLAY. Yeah! It’s okay, I guess. That fat girl up there sucks, and the scrawny guy — well, I can’t hear a damn word he says…” Meanwhile, the rest of the audience is glaring at her. She prattles on, oblivious.

This has happened so many times on stage that I’ve come up with quite a few scenarios as to what I would like to do.

1. I’ve actually done this: I waited until they were done, and then once they realized the action stopped, they got up and left. The audience applauded when they left, too.
2. Throw a prop at them, preferably a sword or knife of some kind. I haven’t done this for liability reasons, of course, but… it’d be so nice.
3. Yell, “Out, damn phone! Out!” in character. Haven’t done this yet, either. Mainly because it’s not likely I’ll perform in the Scottish play anytime soon, and I haven’t figured out a way to do it in character and not screw up the moment in other plays.
4. Break character and say “Excuse me, ma’am, we’re in the middle of a play.” Not gonna happen.
5. Walk off-stage into the house, grab the cell phone, drop it on the floor, and squash it with my boot, then walk back on-stage and pick up where I left off. I wish.

People just don’t respect the theatre these days.