“Never been to Subway, what do I do?” a foreign accent once called out years ago when I worked at a local Subway as a “Sandwich Artist”. It was a Nigerian who was in the country for school. He had never been to a Subway before. There is quite an interesting story to go along with it (I used it for an audition piece, actually!) but that’s neither here nor there.

Point is, the other day I felt like him. The sad part was that I was in exactly the same industry I claim to profess! But rather than simple ignorance, it was lack of opportunity that had brought me to this spot. I called one of my good friends, William.

“Hey William,” I asked. “Those uh… director concepts. How do those work?” He chuckled and offered to help me out.

You see, I have never sat through a production meeting before. I have no idea what directors are supposed to say during those meetings! And considering that I’m interviewing at U/RTA and SETC in two months, I better figure out pretty quickly how to develop a concept and explain it to the designers. That’s where William comes in. William was the lead lighting designer at the theatre until he left for graduate school.
“You have anything written already?” he asked. I showed him the link. He skimmed through it. “More original on costumes, more specific on lights, more props notes, less specific on set — it looks like you want Carl to do it, and that’s fine, cause he’s the only set designer you’ve really seen.” I nodded.

“The thing is,” he said. “You don’t want to limit the designers’ needs. You want to give them direction, but let them figure stuff out. Give them crazy things to do so they’ll have to do research — designers love that shit — and let them come up with designs. Don’t be too specific, or you’ll be limiting what they can do and they don’t like that.”

I nodded again (which was stupid since this was a phone conversation).

“So,” I said. “I want lights that look like dusk in a–”

“No, no,” he interrupted. “No times. Just describe the feeling you want.” I tried again.

“Okay, so I want a dark forest with scattered rays of sunlight, a place that makes me feel mischievous and sneaky.”

“Better.” Now I saw what he meant.

The problem with developing concepts for me was that I had never had to do it. Yes, I’ve directed three shows before, but one was in Directing class and Dr. C never explained the whole concept idea. For both of the other shows, I was given less than 5 weeks to put the show together from start to finish — concept to strike — and I barely had time to squeeze in rehearsals, much less spend time with designers planning things out. Besides, minimalist shows with basic light plots aren’t that difficult for designers.

Things are different this time. I’m going to U/RTA and SETC in the Spring, and I’m preparing some concepts for my interviews. This is the first time I’ve had months to plan out something like this — and I’m using my time wisely, I think.

If you look to the right, I’ve posted concepts for Bertolt Brecht’s Mother Courage, William Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream, and Lorraine Hansberry’s A Raisin in the Sun.

If you have any comments or suggestions, I’d be glad to hear them. Don’t get your feelings hurt if I don’t follow your suggestions, though — after all, this is supposed to be my take on things.

I already addressed the merest of directing in my post on Three Words Directors Need To Know, but in this particular post, I’m going to address actual classroom ideas. You see, when I took my first Directing class, it was rather… simple. Here’s basically the way the class went down.

1. Intro to class
2. Discuss different directors (Homework: research different directors)
3. Each student presents a 5 minute oral report on their director (e.g. Elia Kazan) and that director’s style
4. Class is split in half — “Team A” directs first, “Team B” stage manages.
5. From among stage managers, “designers” selected.
6. “Team A” perform plays.
7. “Team B” people become directors, “Team A” people become SM’s.
8. Repeat.

As you can see, there is very little instruction on what directors actually do and how they go about their jobs. In fact, of the 36 possible class meetings, we only met, maybe, eight times. Lots of learning going on there, I promise you.

Now, I am far from an expert, but think I can come up with a better solution. This new plan requires a class limit of 8 people. Any more than that, and you’ve got too many people involved. Limit it to eight people (juniors and seniors). If you have more than that, create another section with another professor. Now, the plan:

Week one: Introduction to Directing, discuss chain of command in theatre, history of directing, roles, etc
Week two: Select plays*, write proposals that answer the following questions: Why did you choose this piece? What technical problems do you foresee? How will you solve them? How large is the cast? Male/Female roles? etc.
Week three: Present proposals to class, discuss proposals. Are there any obvious problems? Does the class, in general, think these particular proposals are good?**
Week four: Discuss concepts, show concepts from in-house designers as examples, assign concepts assignment
Week five: Present concepts to class, discuss concepts. Instructor should grade concepts on feasibility, following instructions, etc. Split class into pairs, each pair in charge of one aspect of designing
Week six: Hold auditions for plays, begin rehearsing
Week seven: Production meetings - class discusses problems, solutions, and needs for productions
Week eight: Discuss various directors and their styles, including Elia Kazan, Stanislavsky, etc, assign report on directors and styles
Week nine: Present reports to class, continue production meetings, rehearsals, etc.
Week ten: Tech week, make sure productions are ready to go
Week eleven: Productions — Post-mortem report assigned
Week twelve: Post-mortem report (final exam) due

*Limit cast to 4 or fewer — can be adjusted depending on actor pool. Smaller schools need smaller casts, since fewer actors are available. If possible, could work in concert with acting classes.
**Note: This is not for a grade, but for constructive criticism purposes).

Okay, so as you can see, there are some major differences. I’ve included a few aspects of the original class, since I agree those aspects are necessary, but I do think that if you’re going to have a class called “Directing” then there should be some lessons that deal with exactly what it is that directors do (e.g. production meetings, concepts, rehearsals, etc). Theatre history with regards to directing and studying other director styles is definitely needed, but that didn’t help me at all when I directed my first productions.

So there you have it. If I were to teach Directing 101, that would be my basic course outline.

Any suggestions? Comments? Jokes?

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Adam strolls onstage, dressed as an Irish priest. He has a cigarette hanging from his lips, his hands clasped together into something that looks sorta-kinda holy. The audience laughs hysterically at his entrance. Up until this point, he had been dressed as a school teacher who did drugs and talked about fucking his students, and now, a priest? Hilarious!

“Oh Adam,” Carver says. “I’m glad you’re here, too. I need your help.”

“We all need each other, my friend,” Adam replies, dressed as an Irish priest.

“I was looking through the storage closet, and–”

“Why?!?!” Adam jumps up, frantic. Carver looks back at him, slightly confused.

Silence.

Carver continues, the scene rolls on, and I sit back in my seat, a bit miffed. That is easily my favorite line in the show, and nobody else thought it was funny. Adam’s ongoing difficulty during this particular production is his speed. He rushes through each and every line. At every rehearsal, I would say “Slow down!” over and over. He slowed down enough that we could understand his lines, but we lose the inflection that comes with slower, more enunciating speech. As this was my favorite line, I worked especially hard on this section to make sure it went over well. Obviously, it didn’t.

I mull over the scene again and again in my mind, keeping a facet of my attention on the performance. By the time the scene ended, I figured there was nothing I could do at this point to improve the audience reception.

The lights come back up. The show continues.

Oh well. Win some, lose some.

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“How is it that I am a good actor? What I do is I.. pretend to be the person I’m portraying.

You’re confused.

Case in point: in Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson comes to me and says ‘I would like you to be Gandalf the Wizard,’ and I said ‘You are aware that I am not really a wizard?’ and Peter Jackson said ‘I would like you to use your acting skills to portray a wizard for the duration of the show.’

So i said ‘Okay’ and then I said to myself ‘Mmm.. How do I do that?’ And this is what I did: I imagined that I was a wizard, and then I pretended, and acted, in that way on the stage.

How did I know what to say? The words were written down for me in a script. How did I know where to stand? People told me where to stand.

If you were to graph my acting, it would look something like this: Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian, action — wizard! “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” Cut! — Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian…”

–Clip from the excellent BBC/HBO series Extras (Youtube).

As stupid as this scene is, it’s brilliant. It’s brilliant, because it’s true.

Acting is really simple. You pretend. That’s it.

There is a catch. It, too, is simple: there’s no science to acting; it is an art.

Granted, you can teach one how to use the tools that are available to you, but without the instinct there is no art. There’s a reason why the School of Theatre is a part of the College of Arts.

You can give me the absolute best box of crayons and the highest quality paper, and I still can’t draw worth a shit. You can give me oil and canvas, marble and chisel, or piano and music, and I still can’t paint, sculpt, or sing. Like the previously mentioned subjects, acting is an art — you can’t teach it, per se. You can teach the methods, but you can’t teach the instinct.

I’m not a huge fan of method acting. Yes, I use aspects of Stanislavsky’s method in my own acting, but my own acting is much like Sir Ian McKellen’s: me, me, me, me, action! (say lines) cut!, me, me, me, me.

One of my instructors keeps trying to cram into our heads that actors should “really do what you’re doing.” This is wrong. Absolutely wrong. The minute you start to really do what you’re doing, you’re no longer acting — you’re no longer pretending — you’re just YOU on stage dressed up like someone else.

In the end, however, I don’t particularly care how YOU act, so long as you act well. I have friends who can’t act worth a shit, and I’ll never cast them unless their actual, real personality fits with the character. I’ve had friends that I could’ve sworn the author was thinking of when he wrote that play — they’re that much alike.

But when I hold auditions, I look for good actors. Actors who do different things, who behave differently than they do in “real life”, who can show me a range of behavior. After all, the best characters in a play change over the course of the play: they grow. If an actress can’t act, if she can only portray herself, then how can she grow on stage?

The simple answer: she can’t.

As stupid as Sir Ian’s explanation is, it is brilliant. It’s true.

Acting is pretending.
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First, let me say that I’ve been looking forward to this film for quite some time. Sweeney Todd is one of my favorite Broadway musicals, and the fact that Tim Burton, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, and Stephen Sondheim were bringing it to the big screen just made it even better. Now, on to the review:

(WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD! If you haven’t seen the movie, you might not want to read any further!)

Music. The music in the movie was awesome. Not just my favorite numbers like “My Friends”, “Poor Thing” and “The Contest” and such, but even the ballads as sung by Mrs. Lovett (which weren’t ever really my favorites) were done exceptionally well. I even found myself tapping my foot along with the music the entire time, which definitely means it was catchy. If it weren’t, I would’ve been asleep. I’m sort of surprised at Johnny Depp’s singing ability, and I’m surprised that I’m surprised, considering he was in Cry Baby (although I recently found out his voice was dubbed for those rockabilly songs!). His voice was surprisingly strong and solid. I give the music a 10/10.

Acting. The acting, too, was completely solid. There wasn’t a weak moment in any scene that I could detect. The characters are unspeakably memorable, from Depp’s extraordinary character development to Helena Bonham Carter’s portrayal of Mrs. Lovett as despising of London as Sweeney Todd is to Alan Rickman’s flawless portrayal of Judge Turpin, whose turpitude created Sweeney Todd’s demon spirit from the ashes of the nice barber Benjamin Barker. Even the kid, Toby, had a flawless performance. I truly bought that Sweeney Todd wanted revenge, that Mrs. Lovett was in love with Todd, that the old hag was crazy, that Anthony loved Johanna (in a slightly creepy, stalkerish way), that Judge Turpin (the old perv) wanted to bang the daylights out of Johanna, that Toby was scared of Todd, that… well, you get the point.

Cinematography. Awesome. Simply awesome. Burton’s vision of Sweeney Todd is reminiscent of his Sleepy Hollow, but instead of faux-comic horror, this time it’s real. The streets of London aren’t dark to scare you, they’re dark because the denizens of London are evil bastards with true criminal hearts. There’s not a single good person in London, except perhaps Johanna. Everyone is self-serving, deprecating, and twisted in their own ways. The cinematography reflects that, with harsh lights, shadows, dark scenery, rotted sets, and horrid people.

I found several instances where lighting changed where it shouldn’t have. For example, when Mrs. Lovett is telling Sweeney Todd about how his wife took poison, they show the scene from two different angles — looking at Mrs. Lovett and looking at Sweeney Todd. When you look at Mrs. Lovett, you can see Todd off to the side. The right side of his face is dark. When they cut back to Todd, the lighting has changed — the right side of his face is now bright, while his left side is dark. There were at least a dozen other instances similar to this.

Doing a movie with such dramatic lighting will inevitably cause this kind of thing, so I’m not terribly upset about it. It’s just that usually I don’t notice those kinds of things, so for me to notice, that’s not a good sign. Other than that, no other issues with cinematography or lighting or anything like that. Amazing work, really.

Directing. Okay, up until now it’s been mostly roses and happiness. Now I’ve got a serious nitpick with Burton. He has this annoying habit of stopping the action when the actors sing. For instance, when Anthony sees Johanna singing in the window, he should have been trying to get her attention, running down the street to get flowers, and trying to show that he’d been struck by Cupid’s arrow. Instead, he stands there and stares at her.

When Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney Todd sing “Like A Priest”, they stare out the window. There is no interplay between them, there is nothing interesting — they simply stare out the window and sing. They should be having fun — they’re devising the means of their revenge against the blasted denizens of London! Mrs. Lovett should be flirting with Todd, he should be ecstatic that he now has a way to get back at the bastard Judge Turpin. Instead, they stare out a window. How drab.

When the kid, Toby, sings to Mrs. Lovett about how he’s not going to let anything happen to her, he’s just sitting there singing to her, and she’s singing back. Let’s have some action, folks! I’ve heard the soundtracks before. I know the songs. I don’t need to sit there and watch a person sing. I can imagine that well enough on my own. Bring on some action, bring me something new to happen!

This was a huge fuckup on Burton’s part, as far as I’m concerned. If they can fill these songs with action on Broadway, then they can certainly do even better on screen. The budget, at $50 million, is many times that of the Broadway version (less than $10 million), so they could definitely have improved upon it.

Overall. At any rate, I’d have to say that Sweeney Todd is one of my new favorite films. As I mentioned before, I love the story, I love the actors, I love the songs, and I love movies. Put them together and what have you got? Bibbity-bobbity-Sweeney-fucking-Todd.

I love it.

Final Rating: 9/10

Here is another review of Sweeney Todd that I read. Excellent points, all.

What did you think of the movie?
Do you agree with my review?
Did you agree with it at all
Or should I agree with you?

Why or why not? Let me know!
Click on the Comment link below!

(What do you know… I’m a poet and I didn’t realize it!)

“Hang on!” I called out. I stepped down from the risers and approached the woman playing the character of Zoe. The other two characters were Adam and Carver. We were only a few days into rehearsal, but the five or six times we’d run this particular scene, Zoe had delivered a line in a way that left me cringing inside. It wasn’t necessarily the wrong read on the line, it was more like she was missing something. Hopefully, I could clarify.

“Hang on a sec, Zoe,” I repeated. “Let me ask you a question. How do you feel about eating junk food all the time, watching movies where everything explodes, and listening to music that cracks your skull open?” She looked at me for a second.

“What?” she asked, a little confused. The character of Zoe is an interesting one. She’s sleeping with one of her students, Raphael. Adam, who is deeply and madly in love with Zoe, isn’t too happy about this. Carver is appalled.

“How do you feel about doing that stuff?” She rolled her eyes at me.

“Are you some kind of shrink?”

I continued. “Who are you doing these activities with?”

“Raphael,” she answered, with a “duhh” look on her face. I raised my eyebrows. She stared back. Her face changed in the space of a heartbeat. “Ohhhhhhhh,” she said. “I see.”

“Good. Let’s try that again.”

She delivered the line perfectly. Adam followed up with another line. The scene continued, and I relaxed. I settled back into my nice, comfy director’s chair and watched the scene unfold. So far, so good.

A minute later, I jumped up again.

“Hold it!” I cried. “I know I have you blocked over here, Adam, but it’s not working. Something isn’t working. How about instead of just holding her hand, you stand up and… ah, shit, that’s not going to work either.”

“I think he should scoot the chair around and put an arm around me,” Zoe blurted out. I looked at her for a second. I nodded.

“Good idea, Zoe.”

I have to be careful sometimes. Like all theatre people, I have a big ego. It is precisely that ego that makes us good — it makes us want to be in the spotlight, the center of attention, the grand fromage. But it’s not always a good thing. Sometimes professionalism comes into play.

The woman playing Zoe is an excellent actress. She wants to be a director, too. I get the feeling sometimes she thinks she knows better ways to do things, but then, I always thought that when I was being directed by someone else. In that light, I try to always stay open to suggestions, but in the end, I’m the director and she’s not.

For the sake of the show, I have to put my ego aside and think of what the best action is in any given situation. Sometimes I agree with people’s suggestions, sometimes I don’t. I will gladly say that she does a very good job of accepting and following direction, even if it isn’t the way she would have done it. Zoe is a true professional.

In fact, Adam and Carver are true professionals as well. The three of them have worked their asses off every day trying to memorize 98 pages of lines in a little less than four weeks. So far, so good.

Once again, I backed up the scene a little bit and said, “Go.” The scene unfolded again. Many times this night I stopped them and gave direction and ran the scenes again.

Towards the end of this rehearsal, I let my mind drift back to my earlier thoughts regarding Zoe. Professionalism is one of the qualities I most highly prize in actors and directors. Or anyone I work with, for that matter. The ability to contain one’s ego for the sake of the greater good, to accept criticism for what it’s worth, to follow instructions without undue argument is highly desirable and even necessary for actors, directors, and technicians if the show is to succeed.

I thought to myself as the scene wound down: So far, so good.

Whenever I think about time, I look at my watch. It doesn’t matter whether I’m thinking of minutes, hours, days, months, years, or eons, I look at my watch when I think of time. An old student of mine used to laugh when she’d ask me what the date was and I looked at my watch. She thought I was crazy.

Maybe I am. I glanced at my watch.

“I’ve only had my scripts for a week, and we open in three weeks! This is crazy!” I exclaimed to Carl, the producer.

“That’s the way our summer shows usually are,” he replied with a shrug. This was only half-true, for several reasons.

“Yes,” I said, scowling. “But people only take one class at a time in the summer, and the directors also know which play they’re doing weeks and months in advance. Besides, this isn’t summer, this is almost winter, and I found out a week and a half ago!” He shrugged in a semi-apologetic manner.

“Just going to have to make it work. The show must…,” he trailed off as he turns around and went back to doing whatever it is that producers do when they’re not producing shows.

“The show must go on,” I finished. I sighed in frustration and left to track down James, Kimberly, and Adam.

One of the most difficult things a director does is maintain communications with his designers. This particular show, The Faculty Room, is no exception. For one thing, I had only four weeks to turn this script into a finished production. The biggest problem facing us was that the performance space was currently being used up by the other production opening this weekend, All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten. I needed to make sure my designs were ready, so we could implement them as soon as Kindergarten struck their set. We were temporarily rehearsing on the main stage.

I quickly tracked down James and Kimberly and received their design plots. We went over them. I made suggestions, they made suggestions, and we compromised. The set and costume designs were ready.

I was down to finding Adam for the sound designs. I walked down to the scene shop, but he wasn’t there and none of the other techies had seen him all day. I asked the secretary in the lobby. She hadn’t seen him either.

Disappointed and distressed, I stepped outside to talk to my cast about finding some extra time during the day to work on their scenes. As I wrapped up negotiations, Adam pulled up in the parking lot and began walking towards the theatre. I intercepted him.

“Hey Adam!” I called. “Did you get my script?”

I like Adam. He and I worked together for my directing debut of 1984. He is a brilliant sound designer, and since this show is sound-heavy, I immediately thought of him for the position of sound designer. I knew that if anyone could pull off the sound effects and recordings on such short notice, it would be Adam.

“No, man,” he replied. “I haven’t gotten it yet.”

“Shit,” I said. “I gave it to the TD to give to you. He didn’t?” Adam shook his head. I spouted off some four-letter words regarding the female anatomy. He shrugged and grinned.

“What do you need?” he said. I explained all of the sound effects that I needed. He shook his head again.

“I can’t help you, man,” he explained. “I’m doing sound for two shows right now, and I just don’t have the time.”

“Shit,” I said again. He suggested that I track down one of the twins. The twins are some of the new kids on the block, both wanting to be techies. One of them does sound, the other lights. I can barely tell the two apart. I wavered, not entirely sure of the the twins’ abilities, but Adam assured me that he could assist if necessary–he just couldn’t do the entire design on his own.

I thanked Adam and headed down to the costume shop. One of the girls there should know where the twins were. As I headed down the steps, I practiced my 30-second pitch. I was gonna need to use all my persuasive ability to convince one of these twins to do the sound design. I decided that if both twins are together when I found them, I’d ask the other to do the lights, too.

I thought I’m getting a headache. I’d have killed for some Tylenol at that point.

This day was going to be a long, long day.

I step out of my car and stroll towards the theatre, hoping to find someone hungry enough to go grab a bite to eat with me. Sometimes there are people gathered around outside between classes, sometimes the sidewalk is empty. There’s a tree with four trunks that sprawl out where people gather to talk about their classes or their lives or their friends or their jobs or… well, anything else they want to talk about.

Today, the tree is empty, as is the sidewalk.

I open the doors and step inside. I shiver as the heat from inside rushes over me. It is freezing outside in late October. It’s just as cold as it should be, but since we’ve had some rather hot days recently, I find it hard to adjust to the new cold. No wonder nobody is outside.

I peek into the lobby and find Carl talking to the secretary. He sees me and yells out, “Your play has been approved!” I stop for a second, stunned. As I approach, he finishes his conversation and then turns to me.

“Your play has been approved,” he repeats. “Pending approval of rights, of course.”

“So I can do it if I can get the rights?”

“Right. Let me know what you find out. You need to find out how much royalties are, how much scripts are, and so on and so forth.” He waved his hand vaguely and rushed off to do whatever it is that department heads do in late October. A thought occurred to me as he was almost out the door.

“Hey Carl!” I cried. “What are the dates of the performances?”

“November 29 through December 1,” he calls back. The door closes behind him.

November 29. Today is October 28. That’s 32 days, minus weekends. I’ve got to get scripts and rights. There’s no way I can do this in this time frame. I have to find a cast, find a crew, and figure out a schedule. I haven’t even read the script in four months because Carl’s been ignoring my proposal.

I’m doomed.

But all hope is not lost. I scramble to track down my choices for crew: James for set, Kimberly for costumes, Adam for lights. James and Kimberly agree to do it, but Adam is nowhere to be found. I leave a message with the secretary.

I sprint to my car to rush home to email the publishing company. As I pass through the middle of town, my mind is racing. There is so much to do and so little time. I know this is going to be a stressful experience. But then I smile as the words of my cousin come back to me:

“If it ain’t theatre, it ain’t fun.”

I think about all that I have to do in the next 72 hour to get my show, The Faculty Room on the road to success.

Now this is fun.

“Hey, Mr. Director!”

“Hey, Mike,” I reply. It is Mike, a kid I know from the school where I taught last year. He’s a freshman at the college. We are both at auditions for the first upcoming play, And Then There Were None (or Ten Little Indians) by Agatha Christie.

Someone snickers. Actually, a few someones snicker. They’re laughing because Mike calls me Mr. Director, instead of my first name, like my friends do. I understand. It’s a hard habit to break, especially when you start seeing a figure of authority hanging out like one of your friends. It’s even weirder when that figure of authority actually becomes your friend.

Since he really doesn’t know anyone at auditions, he sits with me. I decide to help him out.

I don’t really expect to get a part. The first show of the season always has at least thirty people auditioning, and there are usually only ten to twelve parts. This audition is no exception. My true purpose tonight is to check out the new talent and refresh my memories on the old talent. After all, I am directing a play later in the semester. Best to start thinking ahead.

I’ve been in this department for a little over five years now. I know all of the veterans. The new people, not so great.

Doc calls the first group up. I give a running commentary to Mike throughout the auditions. I offer suggestions as to why this person is a better auditionee than that person.

“What do you think of him?” Mike whispers. I look at who he meant. The guy is tall, thin, dark-haired and well-dressed.

“He’s my competition,” I reply. I explain to Mike how — unfortunately — looks count a lot in any audition. Most directors have a preconceived notion as to how each character should look. In addition, you want different body types on stage so the audience can easily tell which character is which. If you have two characters who have extremely similar body types, they blur together and audiences have a hard time telling the difference. This particular man looks very similar to me, so I know he is one of my competitors. There’s another man at auditions with a similar build, too.

I point out the groups of people attending. “One of us is going to get cast,” I say, pointing at the two men who are similar to me in build. “Your competition are those two guys.”

Mike is short and scrawny. He has a messy mop of hair on his head, and he wears thick-rimmed black glasses. He always wears denim and he’s a nervous wreck sometimes. The other two guys were similar. One had crazy hair, the other wore glasses. Both were the same general build — short, thin, young. One of them was going to get the role of the Doctor, I thought. They had the mad scientist look going for them.

“Rob is going to get cast,” I say. There is no one else who fit his build, and Rob is a perfect character actor for one of the characters in the play. Then I point to two other girls, “Both of them will get cast. There are three female parts, and these two are different enough physically from the other girls that they’re definitely in. They’re solid actresses and Doc has seen them perform before. They’ll get cast.”

I look around at the other girls. I have no clue which is going to get cast in the third female role. Why am I so uncertain? It’s simple. They all look the same. They’re all about 5′6″, long blonde hair, thin, athletic bodies, and nice chests. They’re all beautiful. Doc was probably going to eeny-meeny-miney-mo to pick. In fact, he probably did.

“And those two guys are competitors,” I whisper to Mike while pointing at two black guys who showed up. “Alex will probably get the part, because Demetrius isn’t such a great actor. He’s not trying at all to break out of the ‘hood’ mentality.” Demetrius still walks and talks like your stereotypical black guy. Alex, on the other hand, had altered his behavior to fit the role.

There are a few other groups of people, and I point them out to Mike. This whole whispered conversation occurrs while the first group went up to audition.

As auditions progress, I point out other things I notice about the auditionees.

“See how he keeps shifting his weight? That’s annoying. See how that other guy keeps walking around? It’s unnecessary. Just plant your feet and don’t move unless you have a good reason to move.”

Mike nods. He understands. He makes some excuses about his own nervousness. That’s perfectly normal, I assure him. Part of learning to be an actor is to control those nervous behaviors. It’s normal to be nervous — it’s better to be nervous but not show it.

“See that girl?” I ask. “She’s too hyper. This character is supposed to be an old woman, and this girl is pretty much bouncing around like a bouncy-ball. She’d be a perfect Puck in Midsummer Night’s Dream.” Mike chuckles. I do, too.

In the end, I am spot on about who was going to get cast. The only category in which I am wrong is the one with all the blonde petite girls. I’m positive Doc flipped a coin on that one.

Mike is impressed. I shrug.

“Like I said, man,” I explain. “Looks matter in this business. Acting talent is what sets you apart from everyone else who looks just like you. Whenever those other guys who look like you go up there, watch what they do and do something different. Set yourself apart from them. You aren’t competing against me. You’re competing against them. Do something different from them.”

Mike nods again. We chat for a few more minutes and then I leave.

As I drive home, I ponder what I had told Mike. I don’t really think it’s fair that looks matter. After all, you can’t control some things about your looks. But I decide I was right. In theatre, the beauty myth is true, to an extent.

Looks matter — talent matters more.

“I need to speak with you.” Carl motions for me to follow him to his office. I look at my friends, fear in my eyes. They look back at me with pity. I shrug and follow Carl.

Carl can be a very intimidating man. He’s not a big guy, nor is he particularly physically threatening. He is, however, moody. He’s unpredictable. He’s also in charge.

“Have a seat,” he says. I sit. I’m afraid he’s going to chew me out for something. I never quite know what to expect from him. One minute Carl will be nice and helpful, the next he’s a raging monster. He’s never truly mean — just short and to the point, blunt. I wait patiently (anxiously?) for him to tell me what this is all about.

“What’s up?” I ask.

“Your play. It’s terrible.” I sigh. He ignores it. “It’s lazy writing.”

“Lazy writing?” I ask. I spent over a year writing that play. I wrote it and rewrote it and edited it and rewrote it again. “What do you mean, lazy writing?”

“The character of Rick. He cusses all the time,” he replies. “It’s like every other word was a curse from him.” I nod. This is true. He goes on, “I gave it to my wife to read, and she hated it. She said it was too vulgar, too dirty.”

I respectfully disagree, but I don’t say anything. I can’t very well tell him that the character of Rick is heavily based on one of his faculty members. You see, in my play, Rick is perpetually drunk. He’s not the raging, stereotypical drunk that says stupid things and stumbles around and sloppily tries to pick up chicks. No, Rick is quite the opposite. He’s somber and serious. His only real desires are to help his friends (which never happen because he’s too drunk to think straight) and to keep his feet on the ground.

His speech patterns slow down. If you look into Rick’s eyes, you can see straight into his mind. As far as Rick’s concerned, he’s already said what he needs to say. His mouth just needs to catch up.

“You need… … … …to get… … … …the fuck out of here… … … …man.” This is a rather common phrase leaving Rick’s mouth when he’s drunk. Another facet of Rick’s drunkeness is that his vocabulary shrinks to the point where when he can’t think of a word, he’ll throw in a curse.

“Lazy writing,” Carl says again. I nod and he keeps rambling on about how it was lazy writing. My mind is still churning from his comments.

Lazy writing, to me, is when the author doesn’t try and establish characters. Rick is true to life to my friend and faculty advisor. If it was truly lazy writing, then the other characters, Jake and Katie, would have been cursing all the time, too. But they aren’t. The only person who even says a curse word is Rick. Because that’s his nature.

Finally, Carl’s rant ends.

“Carl,” I say politely. “I really need to direct another show. I’m trying to get into graduate school, you see, and they’re going to want to know that I have some experience.”

He stares at me. I continue, “You’ve been rejecting every proposal I’ve made in the past year and a half. So I’m asking one final time — let me direct something.”

“But you’ve already directed 1984,” he protests. “We’ve got to give other people a chance to direct.”

“But, sir, nobody else WANTS to direct. I’m the only one.” He stares at me silently for a moment, his eyes searching. He’s trying to think of someone else. In the end, he nods. I am right.

“Fine,” he concedes. “But you can’t direct this play. I suggest picking one from The Humana Festival.” He wrote down the name on a piece of a paper and sent me to the library.

I sigh. I can produce my play somewhere else, I suppose. But for now, hope has sprung up again.

I am going to be a director.